Heart of the
Matter: Learned to Hate, Forgiveness Doesn’t Reside Here!
They say, when
you are in public and a person invades your space the first thing that comes to
mind is “I have to leave”. Well they say that, that individual has control of
you. Personally if I do not want to be around them I don’t have to (being on
the defensive, I know)! I am the type of
person that would instantly act on what comes to mind first and whatever the
outcome, I deal with it. So, if it means walking out and having a grudge then
so be it. If I walk up to them and then say something and walk away then oh
well. I would consider myself not to be a vindictive person but I think about alot
of things and I have a tendency to blame myself; not for what the individual
has done to me (ex friend or ex boyfriend) but for letting them enter my life.
I usually
forgive people but on the inside I have an urge to hate (really dislike) the
individual for not being the person I think they should be. I hate them for not
showing me their true selves earlier. I hate them for not being better than
THAT! I hate them for leading me on. I hate them for f***ing it up for the next
few people.
NOTE: Not
necessarily missing or looking over the next; not giving the next person a
chance but influencing me to make it hard for them to get near me.
I hate them because
they fooled but I realized that the same thing will happen and rotate in their
favor…
One thing I can
say is that I am getting better!
INSIGHT: I
almost never forget anything… The experiences I have had in my life may seem
really stupid to you/others but they mean soooo much to me because of the faith
that I put into the individuals in my life. I expect highly of them, which is
most definitely too much and it has been proven. I have had friends date my ex’s and try to
talk to them while I was dating them (Not high school but college. Yes, grown
people doing childish things.). I have had
female ex-best friends threaten to turn me out because I did not fit into their
life of being a lesbian. I have had an
ex go behind my back and probably had
sex with my cousin. But know that he
attempted to talk to me without him knowing that she was. He is still cheating
(the world is this small and everything eventually gets back to me)! I have an ex- boyfriend who is basically
married attempted to talk to me OVER
3 times while he was with this almost permanent girlfriend, Really? The last
thing I would like to give you insight on is the fact that one of these people
not only did it once but at least more than 3 times and it still got to me…
(Complete silence)
Excuses?: No,
this is not an excuse to hate or not trust another.. Like I said before I blame
myself for letting them in my life and I hate them for not being the person I
want them to be…
