"Heart of the Matter"

Heart of the Matter: Learned to Hate, Forgiveness Doesn’t Reside Here!

They say, when you are in public and a person invades your space the first thing that comes to mind is “I have to leave”. Well they say that, that individual has control of you. Personally if I do not want to be around them I don’t have to (being on the defensive, I know)!  I am the type of person that would instantly act on what comes to mind first and whatever the outcome, I deal with it. So, if it means walking out and having a grudge then so be it. If I walk up to them and then say something and walk away then oh well. I would consider myself not to be a vindictive person but I think about alot of things and I have a tendency to blame myself; not for what the individual has done to me (ex friend or ex boyfriend) but for letting them enter my life.

I usually forgive people but on the inside I have an urge to hate (really dislike) the individual for not being the person I think they should be. I hate them for not showing me their true selves earlier. I hate them for not being better than THAT! I hate them for leading me on. I hate them for f***ing it up for the next few people.

"I'll Whoop Yo Azz"

Hang on to him/her like skies if you want but prepare for the failure that is coming your way. Walking around on this planet as if this one man/woman is the only one that exists is a self inflicted failure. No one can take anything from you but the devil and if you would like to say that the other woman is the devil then do so but she is not the culprit in the “Hanging by a Thread” relationship.

It is the same way with men; women are not the innocent ones in the “Hanging by a Thread” relationship either. Yes, women are sneaky individuals but men are just as guilty. Men can be really dumb when it comes to dealing with other women and even when it comes to covering up their tracks; use a broom not a hoe. Women are smarter but they have the ability to be just as nonchalant as men. That is the TACTIC: BOLD=self explanatory.

"Work On Me: MY Letter To Our Lord and Savior"

This is my personal letter to the Lord. This is my personal letter to God. This is my personal letter for every female that is too hardcore to admit their insecurities and feelings about themselves.

Dear God My Father & My Lord and Savior Jesus Christ,

       I know you already know what I will place on this page before I know what I am about to place on this page. You know me more than any other person on this earth and I don’t care how many psychics are out there they still don’t know as much as you know. Lord you know my heart, mind, soul and every thought that I register. You know my intentions and even the reality to my confusion. You know my future even when I don’t. I just love how you love me in spite of my faults and no one will ever have that opportunity unless you give it to them. Lord you know how I progress and you know the reason why I do things even when I don’t you LOVE ME and that is all that matters. You have blessed me with parents of gold and family of precious gems. You are my glue to all the separation in my life. You are me and I am you; your creation. I appreciate it even though I don’t tell you. I appreciate your goodness and mercy even when I don’t act as if I do.

        Lord…I can’t count my blessings nor the chances you have given me because I am a sinner and you are my Lord. We were created and sin but it up to us as individuals to believe that we can change and become the vessel you want us to be. For me I am willing to become that vessel, that one person that you can look toward to to spread the word; the good word. I admit. I admit that I am insecure I am not happy with myself, my weight, my emotional stability or my thought process.

        I seek guidance and motivation to make myself better. I seek guidance as to defining myself. I need to look towards you instead of unstable human beings to be my motivation. I need you. You are the brightness of my light and the source to my shine. I fail to trust because I don’t seek the guidance I need. I need to trust myself to pray often, trust you to correct my faults, and trust you to protect me from harm and danger, even though I see it every day. I care about people who fail me but Lord why can’t I just delete them from my thoughts even though they are out my life? I seek to be a better friend but how could I be a better friend and I am not seeking you to be my friend first. I look for someone to be around me when I want them to but I don’t seek you, someone who is around me all the time, to comfort that spirit. I don’t have a problem being alone but that same problem is what leads me to hanging around people for the fun of it.

        Lord, I just ask that you correct my thoughts, protect my mind, correct my mistakes, right me pathway in this crowded world and lead me the right way. I seek you and I will do better. I need to pray often, read daily and talk to you often. I have done it before and it makes me feel a lot better. That’s how I know that this relationship we have is just right. I need you and I am automatically yours because you’ve created me.


                                                                                                                               -Your Tainted Vessel